


killer queen

by cxlesstial



Series: that's rough buddy [1]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, One Shot, Protective Donatello (TMNT), Short One Shot, basically donnie dies and comes back and april can't cope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26323954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxlesstial/pseuds/cxlesstial
Summary: April was, by all accounts, a fucking criminal. She’d caused property damage and blown things up and beat people up and stolen and broken into places both on Earth and space and was probably the most dangerous person in New York City. She’s seen and done and lost and felt for years and years and she wasn’t even an adult - not physically or mentally prepared for it in the slightest. She’d. She’d had power, coursing in her veins. She knew she could cause destruction, she knew she could cause terror and fuck with people.She’d known all of these things and, when she tore Donnie apart with her bare hands, scattering bits of him all over the city, she’d still been shocked. She’d been under the influence, under some ancient evil implanted in her mind, but it had been her. She’d killed. She was a criminal, yes - but she hadn’t ever wanted to become a killer.
Series: that's rough buddy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912768
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	killer queen

April was, by all accounts, a fucking _criminal_ . She’d caused property damage and blown things up and beat people up and stolen and broken into places both on Earth _and_ space and was probably the most dangerous person in New York City. She’s seen and done and lost and _felt_ for years and years and she wasn’t even an adult - not physically or mentally prepared for it in the slightest. She’d. She’d had power, coursing in her veins. She knew she could cause destruction, she knew she could cause terror and _fuck_ with people. 

She’d known all of these things and, when she tore Donnie apart with her bare hands, scattering bits of him all over the city, she’d still been shocked. She’d been under the influence, under some ancient evil implanted in her mind, but it had been _her._ She’d killed. She was a criminal, yes - but she hadn’t ever wanted to become a killer.

After she’d pieced Donnie back together (because _of course_ her stupid crystal could put people back together _after_ destroying them), and she’d collapsed in his arms and she’d woken in the lair with her friends around her, with Donnie and Leo and Mikey and Raph and Casey and Splinter and she’d been so relieved that she they he _Donnie_ were all okay he was okay wait _he was okay?_

She had literally _killed him_ and the guilt was eating her alive she couldn’t be there she couldn’t shouldn’t be allowed in their lair anymore she wasn’t safe -

She sat in silence as they rehashed what had happened, eyes unfocused and staring and not really comprehending and gave one word answers when they’d tried to include her, watched her with those eyes, those kinda worried kinda apprehensive eyes and April couldn’t take it, she wasn’t just a criminal she was a murderer was a killer was a _monster_.

She’d stood up, way too quickly to be casual, climbed out of the pit and walked towards the turnstiles, ignored their questions and the _April, wait!_ from more than one of her friends as she disappeared into the darkness. She could sense someone about to pursue - maybe Leo, maybe Donnie, maybe Casey, and sped up, sprinting out of the tunnels with words in her head, dangerous and uncontrolled and she feels the sting of tears and the sharp intakes of breath but she just. She runs. And no one follows.

It’s a blur, it's messy and undefined and she doesn’t even know how she makes it home, but she makes it to her apartment complex only slightly out of breath. Her stamina had increased so much, so so much, but she _had_ been sprinting across the city, and she had used most of her energy tonight. She takes the fire escape up to her room and gets in through her bedroom window. She exhales, closing the window behind her, finally alone, but -

“Where have you been?” comes from virtually nowhere and April shrieks in surprise, drawing her tanto blade before she could realize that the voice was her _father_ and not a random intruder and she shouldn’t raise a weapon at another family member tonight, not _again_ -

“I’m - sorry, Dad, ‘startled me ‘s all.” April mutters, letting go of the blade and sitting down on the edge of her bed, closest to her window. Her dad comes from the doorway, the hallway lights off, her room lights still off, and looms a bit over her, checking her over for any visual injuries. Satisfied when he sees nothing, he sits down, but doesn’t miss when she flinches, pulling herself subtly towards the headboard of the bed and away from him. 

“April…” Kirby O’Neil starts, clearly wanting to ask what was wrong, what was happening to her, but April doesn’t let him. He simply couldn’t take it, not with his anxieties and his PTSD and if he knew what she had done to the boy that saved her life all those years ago, had helped save his own life so many times -

Those tears escape then, finally, and she cries, faintly recognizing that her father had put his arms around her and she has to dispel the need to shake him off because _danger danger danger she was dangerous_ but she sobs into his shoulder, on and on and on and on and it doesn’t help, it _doesn’t_ and she wants the pain and grief to go away but it won’t and the worst part is that she deserves every bit of it, every single bit -

Her tears feel like they go on for hours and hours but it must have been only ten minutes, maybe fifteen. She feels herself droop off on her Dad’s shoulder, feels him gently lay her down and bundles her up under covers and blankets that she doesn’t deserve, feels herself fade away...

-

And when she wakes up, the grief is still there. Still fucking there. Still gaping and huge and April feels vomit push up her throat, and ten seconds into being awake she’s already sprinting towards the door, down the hallway and into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time and up-heaving the remainder of the food she’d had the night before. 

When she’s done, she pushes herself away from the toilet and slides right up against the wall, hoping that her Dad hadn’t heard any of that. After about two minutes of contemplating the benefits and drawbacks of leaning against the bathroom wall all day she pulls herself to her feet, walking down the hallway towards the kitchen. The sunlight streaming through the windows throws her off and she realizes that she’s way too fucking late to go to school, she’s - her Dad’s _gone_. He’s at work.

She’s all alone. The observation gets her shoulders to slump a bit in relief. There’s a note on the fridge that catches her attention and she skims over it with fading interest.

_April,_

_Please eat something. Call me if you need anything and I’ll come right home._

_Dad_.

April scoffs at that, turning away from the note with a chuckle. She...she’d killed last night, and her Dad wanted her to take care of herself? She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t. She was dangerous. She couldn’t control herself, she - she craved power she couldn’t handle. 

She walks back to her room, stumbling slightly like she was tipsy, dragging her hands closer around her arms, tighter around her body as she feels the tears come again. Even though she didn’t deserve to cry. 

Not when she was the one to cause the pain, not when she was the one to rip Donnie away from his family. What if she hadn’t been able to bring him back? What if he had permanently disappeared, and she -

_No_ , no. He was here. She had brought him back. He was safe, he was with his brothers and Splinter and tonight, he’d be with Casey too. But not her. Not anymore. She couldn’t - 

That was all that was keeping her going at this point. That he was still alive. She’d managed to save him. He was still okay. But - 

But -

They were the most important people in her life, but...she couldn’t endanger them. It was better like this. It was _better_ like this. 

She was better alone.

-

April doesn’t leave the apartment. Her Dad asks her, only once, if she’ll try going to school, and the look she gives him causes the question to go firmly unanswered and the complaints to die in his throat. She can’t. She just _can’t_. 

Kirby isn’t at home most of the time anyway. He’s at his normal job, with normal people, in a normal place that’s so far out of league from April and her fucked up problems and her psychic powers. It’s easier for him, and she’s happy that he’s got that for him. He’s a good father, but he can’t deal with her oddities around the clock. And he shouldn’t have too. She’s a burden.

And that’s funny, because she had been feeling better about herself recently, too. After she came back from space, after she became a full kunoichi, after she’d been able to keep up with the boys - she felt so much better and in control of herself. What had happened? What had changed her so drastically - 

She had wanted to blame it all on the crystal, but that wasn’t fair. Za’naron had used her conflicting emotions, her own desire for power, as an anchor to feed and take control of her fully. She was just as guilty because she’d given in. She couldn’t trust herself, not around the brothers or Casey. She’d killed Donnie, she’d _killed_ him -

The shock should be sinking in by now, but everytime she remembers what she did it sends her into another episode of reeling horror. How could Donnie forgive her - how could any of them forgive her? She was a monster plain and simple she didn’t deserve any kindness no no _she didn’t_ -

-

It's two weeks before she gets the first call. She’d been sitting on her roof, gazing at the night sky with a sort of subdued stare. The Thoughts hadn’t been here yet, gripping and insistent and sending her into another spiral, and she was relishing in that for however long it lasted, but - 

\- her phone rang, playing music and vibrating - Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy by Queen, it was her ringtone for Mikey. She stares down at it, disbelieving, and grabs the still vibrating phone in her long, pale, nimble fingers. She had him set as _mikey :D_ and she smiles a bit at that, at how he was the one to add the emoticon, and how much she missed him. 

“Hey, Mike.” she says as she holds the phone to her ear. His voice is loud, and cheery, and excited, and it’s like nothing ever really happened and April wishes for it, wishes that things were still that simple and she could pop down for a quick visit, maybe go on patrol. 

“April! How are you? Um, don’t answer that if you don’t want to,” he exclaims, not giving her a moment to answer before pushing on. “So, um. You wanna come down to the lair? We miss you around here.”

“Mikey, I - I can’t.” she’s surprised that he’s even asking, that he wants her around at all. What the _fuck_.

“Why not? You’ve apologized to Don, and he forgives you for, y’know, accidentally killing him n’ whatever,” (April sucks in a breath that she hopes desperately Mikey couldn’t hear), “It’s been two whole weeks, April. We - I - miss you. Don’t you miss us?” and there’s that sad confusion in his voice, it makes tears spill down her cheeks again. She didn’t deserve that. Any of it. 

“I miss you,” she whispers, and hangs up before he can get another word in.

-

She’s not just sad. She’s angry, she’s furious, she’s heartbroken. She throws things, her desk, the plates her father leaves for her with food that still remains uneaten. She punches her mirror so hard the glass shatters and her fist bleeds. She pulls at her hair, yanks at it so hard she pulls entire strands loose. She scratches so hard at her arms, welcoming the pain. She cries, long and hard, falls in and out of sleep with tear stains still drying on her cheeks. For days she considers suicide, but the thoughts dispel eventually. She couldn’t. It’d break her Dad for good.

-

They try coming around to her apartment next, all four brothers, maybe another week after Mikey calls (and the rest, too, but she didn’t pick up any of the calls after Mikey’s). She keeps the lights off and the window locked, takes shelter in the bathroom and pretends she can’t hear the worried, insistent tapping on the glass and the hushed whispers of _April, are you in there?_ She can’t look at them, not Donnie, she _can’t_. She sees the anxious texts they send her everyday after that, reads every single one. 

  


_leo - April, where are you?_

  


_leo - Please answer. Come down to the lair. Anything._

  


_raph - answer your fucking phone we’re worried_

  


_mikey - was it something i said?? please ape imy :(( just answer_

  


_casey - red. come on stop this shit_

  


Donnie’s texts hurt the most. He doesn’t blame her for anything, and. And she wishes he would. It would be so much easier if he did.

  


_donnie - i’m not angry. at all. If that’s what you’re worried about._

  


_donnie - you apologized and i know you wouldn’t do what you did if you had full control over your mind and body._

  


_donnie - i’m okay. you might have killed me but you put me back together, too. you saved me. i’d be spread out in little particles across the city if it wasn’t for you_

  


_donnie - please just say something_

  


April cries, _sobs_ , throws her phone so hard it cracks down the middle, and refuses when her Dad asks her if she wants a new one. The expression on his face guts her, truly, but it’s for the best. She shuts herself in her room, sits on the bed, watches her broken phone with an unreadable, destroyed expression.

(He watches his daughter waste away, refuse to eat and take care of herself, and makes a sudden decision. He dials Casey’s number and swallows when he picks up. “It’s April’s Dad,” he says, almost mutters. “She - she needs help.”)

-

Casey comes round the next morning, and Kirby lets him up to his apartment floor. It’s been four weeks now, since she killed Donnie and brought him back, since she disappeared without a word, and Casey’s more than a little worried, even though he tried hard to pass it off under his easy going expression. Casey nods to April’s father when he opens the door for him and makes her way down the hallway, to where April would still hopefully be sleeping. Her door was shut, and he opens it quietly, surprised to find that it was unlocked -

And feels the shock rise up his throat at the utter disaster it was. Her desk is sideways, down on the floor, papers from it strewn around. Broken glass lies haphazardly on the tile, from her shattered mirror and from plates - and there’s _food_ on the ground, and her tanto blade and her tessen, and -

April is curled up on the bed, her usually fiery red sleek hair in absolute tatters. She was already tiny before, but she looks truly petite now, all bones. Her sweatshirt, a black one with no lettering on the front, sticks to her body and makes her look smaller. Casey swallows, feels angry on behalf of himself and the brothers, they should have _realized_ it’s gotten this bad, that she -

She was a shell of her former self, he thinks as he crosses the room, stepping grimly around the broken pieces of glass and suddenly thankful he’s wearing his thick hockey shoes. She - _April -_

She awoke before he managed to touch her shoulder, staring at him dazedly like she couldn’t comprehend what she was seeing. “C-Casey?” she asks, barely able to get the words out, and he nods, heartbroken. “What are you doing here? Y-You -” she coughs, a hack that leaves her entire body shaking. “You have to stay away from me - 

“No, no April I’m not going _anywhere_ ,” he declares firmly, taking another step closer, but she scoots back quickly, making the distance between them even more obvious. She struggles to keep her body upright, but slumps back against the pillows. She’s weak, exhausted, and Casey squashes down the rising emotion in his own throat, because he can’t afford to cry right now - he’s Casey fucking Jones, and he needs to help his best friend -

“Leave me alone, Casey,” April tries again, staring at him with hooded, dark eyes, but Casey shakes his head, comes around the side of the bed, and stands as close to her as he can get without making her feel cornered. “I’m - I’m _dangerous,_ ” she pleads, bringing her arms around herself and trying (and failing) to grip at the material on her sweatshirt. “Please, just go -

“Stop it,” he chided softly, sitting down and watching her scrub at his eyes, realizing that yes, he really was here, and no, he wasn’t going _anywhere_. “I’m not leaving, and nothing you say will make me go. Your Dad called me. I’m here to help -

“Help?” she laughs bitterly, giving up on the sweatshirt and pressing a hand to her temple. “I don’t deserve that, Casey, not when I killed Donnie. Not when -

“You brought him _back_ ,” he states bluntly. “He’s okay.” A bit jangled and snappy, but still okay nevertheless.

“He’s okay, yeah. But it’s my fucking fault, Jones. I’m too dangerous to be around you, around any of you. I. I _can’t_ \- 

“That’s not true,” the frustrated expression on his face melts into complete helplessness and he scoots forward, holding his arms open in a gesture for a hug. She hesitates, clearly debating inwardly, but finally leans forward and leans her head against his shoulder while his arms fall firmly around her waist. The lack of _anything_ there worries him to no ends, but _baby steps baby steps_ \- 

She’s crying, tries to be quiet for his sake but he can hear every strangled gasp that comes out of her and he just holds her tighter because she needs this, he needs this, he’s missed her so much - 

Until April’s pulling away, shock completely overwhelming her features, and Casey’s about to ask what’s happening what’s _wrong_ when she covers her mouth and as quickly as she can leaps off the bed and _barely_ manages to avoid any of the glass littering the ground with her _bare fucking feet_ and Casey’s following, wondering desperately where she’s going as she disappears into the bathroom and... _oh_.

He rushes after her, looks at her tiny body dry heaving in the toilet and swallows back down the _fear anger sadness pity heartbreak_ in an attempt to gather her hair in his hands. She falls back into his arms after maybe two minutes of hunching over the toilet, sobbing with nothing but saliva staining her lips, and Casey just. 

He holds her for a while, holds her to his chest as she falls apart.

-

He cleans her room while she gets some sleep. He asked her if she wanted to eat, and when she shook her head he pursed his lips but didn’t argue. He’d ask Donnie what to do with that, her refusal to eat, he - well, he was just Casey. He wasn’t a genius, didn’t know how to figure out the best way to get his friend to take care of herself. But he _could_ clean a room. And. Baby steps, right?

He starts by picking up the food off the ground - some of it new, some of it maybe a week old ( _gross_ ). Then he picks up all the papers and stacks them on her bed - some for school, some mindless doodle papers, some letters half written, but most were blank. The desk had toppled over - she probably knocked it over with her powers - so he lifts it again and pushes it back against the wall. He grabs the broom and sweeps together the broken glass, the wood chips, the dirt and dust - all together into a dustpan, and disposes of it into the trashcan he’d dragged in from her kitchen. April’s room looks normal now, nothing compared to the dump it had been earlier, and he feels satisfied as he closes her door. 

April isn’t sleeping, staring at him as he drags the trashcan back down the hallway and drops it in the kitchen. She’s cautious, wary, even after she’s literally fallen apart right in front of him - and the way she’s all closed up and anxious and _everything_ \- it. It makes him frustrated. Angry. Because they were so worried about her and she _made_ them worry and she was hurting and they couldn’t help her if she didn’t give him anything to work with - 

“I told Leo,” Casey states, and at her confused expression he elaborates. “That you were okay. The brothers want to see you tonight, and they’re not taking no for an answer,” he says firmly as protests clearly try to build in her throat. “April, if you - if you _saw_ Donnie, would you -”

“I know he’s okay,” April snaps, turning away. “I’m dangerous, I keep telling people - you, my Dad that, why won’t you listen? I know Donnie’s okay. The crystal fixed him. My problem is _me_. I let it happen. I _enabled_ it. I killed him, Casey. It doesn’t matter if I brought him back. I’m a fucking -

“A what?” Casey bites back, getting angrier even though he tries to _repress repress repress_ that anger because April can’t handle that right now but -

“- a _monster_ ,” she nearly shouts, tilting her head back to glare at him. 

“April,” his anger falters again, because that’s not what she should think at all, not after she’s saved him and their conjoined family so many times over -

“Just. Don’t. Please. You can’t fix it, not me. It’s better if I’m alone.” April pulls her legs to her chest, and as he watches her struggle to do so he feels - not _upset_. Not anymore. Just really, really sad. 

“Please, April. Let us help,” he comes around the side of the couch and joins her on it. “Just stop, okay? Stop hiding from us, stop hiding from me. I love you, Don loves you, the brothers love you, we want you in our lives for better or worse. You made a mistake, yes, April, you made a mistake, but you _didn’t_ mean it. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” It’s uncharacteristic, the words spilling from his mouth, what he’s saying doesn’t sound like the brave, _took no shit_ Casey Jones - but he’s so desperate for her to understand. 

She stares at him, bright blue eyes remaining the only part of her entire _being_ not to have changed, and he meets her gaze. unwavering, knowing that once he would have crumbled under the intensity of her stare. But not anymore. She meant more to Casey now - more than just a simple crush. 

She falls then - after a clearly excruciating mental battle of whether to do so - into his outstretched arms. He holds her, wishing he did this sooner. Wishing that he did a lot of things sooner. They had all lost too much time.

Casey doesn’t leave; he stays with her and engages in the few scraps of conversation April manages to offer. She’s different now, that exuberant gleam in her eyes completely diminished, and Casey finds himself wishing for a normal life - for all of his friends, honestly, but mostly for April. The broken look she kept giving him was too much.

-

That night, she hesitantly follows him out of the house for the first time in an entire month (with Kirby practically falling over in relief that she was actually _going_ somewhere besides shutting herself in her room) and to where the brothers wanted to meet up. She feels nervous, and that’s stupid because it’s four of her absolute favorite people in the entire world and they’ve never done a thing to harm her, it's always been her with the problems, her with the toxicity, her her _her_ -

The self-loathing comes back with a flash and April steels herself, repressing all of that again because if she was going to do this, face them, face _Donnie_ again -

“Oh, god, I can’t. Casey, please, I _can’t_.” she grabs at Casey’s arm and squeezes so hard it’s likely to bruise, but she doesn’t care, it’s easier to hide in her room and pretend that this doesn’t exist, she wants out she doesn’t want to go through with this she can’t see them and -

“April!” 

Mikey. That was Mikey’s voice. She freezes, still clutching Casey’s wrist, as she hears four pairs of feet hit the pavement and April turns, sees her favorite mutants after an entire month of being apart from them. She’s struck dumb by the expressions on their face - the apprehensive, nervous, _concerned_ looks on their face as they take her appearance in. She knows she looks like shit - she _feels_ like shit. She probably smells like shit, too; she could count on one hand the amount of showers she’d had in the last month. Wincing at that last realization, she drops Casey’s wrist and steps back, away from them.

“Hi, Mikey. Leo, Raph. Donnie,” the words come out quietly and strained. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to run -

Leo’s obviously relieved, though he tries his best to disguise it as lecturing. But even that doesn’t work, and his words come out quick and desperate. “April, I...please. _Please_ don’t disappear like that ever again. We were so, we’re still! We thought you were -

“Where the hell _were_ you?” Raph interrupts, snapping impatiently, stalking up to her and before she could even blink the hot-headed turtle was _centimeters_ away from her, reaching out to touch her, shake her by the shoulders, and -

“S _tay away from me!_ ” April screams, stumbling backwards several paces, away from his reach. Acknowledging the surprised, slightly hurt, pissed off look on Raph’s face with a blink, she continues, a few volumes lower but still just as frantic. “Stop, just. None of you. Don’t. I’m _dangerous_. I could! I could hurt you, Raph, like I did to Donnie, just. Stay away _please_. Please, I. I can’t do it again, I can’t hurt any of you again - 

“You won’t, April, listen,” The anger disappears off his face in an instant, much like it did with Casey, and Raph looks like he suddenly understands why she's been gone for a month. The rest of the brothers have an _oh_ look on their face and April _can't breathe_. “Focus on me, okay? April, look at me.” he steps closer, slowly, and she forces herself to do as he says, grounding herself in that moment with him, and the others - Leo and Donnie and Mikey and Casey, who were slowly starting to flank Raph. “You aren’t going to hurt us, April. You wouldn’t. We’re your family, you’re ours.”

Tears started another round down her cheeks. “I did it before, I could do it again, please, Raph, I _killed_ Donnie, I -

“April, I’m okay,” Donnie promises, and for the first time that night she looks to him. He does look fine, he looks _there_ , a little frazzled and sleep deprived like always, but, still physically there. She chokes on the _emotion_ in her throat, reaching out a hand towards him just to check, just to make sure, and he takes the extra few steps forward and clasps her hand in his abnormally massive one, squeezing gently. “I’m okay,” he repeats as his free hand comes to her cheek, cupping it. “I’m okay.”

She sobs, collapsing into him, and he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around her, pulling her as close to him as he possibly could. She falls apart, again, and nothing is okay, _nothing nothing nothing_ \- 

But maybe, _maybe_ , with Donnie holding her like he did, maybe one day, it will be. 

Donnie grips April as tightly as he can.

**Author's Note:**

> another vent fic but w a slightly happier ending?? idk 
> 
> i shit on april so much but she's really been through it all :/ my poor baby
> 
> when the boys were talking abt april "recovering" after what happened in the power inside her my mind immediately went here idk if i feel better or not?? still emotionally recovering from that ep bye


End file.
